"It's Not My Fault"
By
Steven L. Keough a.k.a. Coach Steve (MC², MBA)
If it not your fault, who's is it then?
If you were to stop your questioning of who's fault thing are and channel that energy back into your life, your interests, your passions and your happiness, what could be produced?
I hear so many times "It's not my fault" or worse the up yours words "Oh well, it's not my fault."
These words are a retreat from responsibility. They are the common language or vernacular of children from ages five to fifteen, the very same years that these kids really, are receiving "ALL" the programming for life. All the lessons, influences, opinions, and other things that shape a person from ages 15 throughout the rest of their life. What gets learned after age 15 on on is wisdom. Wisdom to apply this programming from birth to age 15 to all your life's situations.
It's been said that the formative years are from age birth to age 7ish and there is an intense uptick in the programming of ones mind from ages 7ish through 15ish. But once the forming of the mind, the creation of all this programming is complete, your mental map or personality is formed.
Why that is important to understand is that many people go through life as though they are still fifteen, and some as a five year old. Don't get me wrong, the best part of being five is to have fun while not having a care in the world. In fact, I often write about and encourage people to let their five year old come back out to play to have some fun in their lives, but that's for fun.
A five year old hardly could be successful in business or in life or in hardly anything requiring adult programming. What is programming? Programming are all the traits, characteristics, lessons, hurts, etc. that as we are "growing up" we experience that have an impact on who we are (at the core) and what our life will be shaped by, because our programming is in our mind.
Example: Expectancy, expectancy for a young person (5 to 15) who grows up in Greenwich, CT (very affluent area) vs. that of a child who grows up in East LA (the barrio) is a vastly different experience, yet each of them from ages birth to fifteen, will still have "formative" years and big growth from ages 7 to 15 (and look at gangs who recruit at 8, 9 and 10 years old).
Understanding this framework helps us to look at the statement "It's not my fault" from the perspective of responsibility or accountability. Especially in one's own life. I'm not suggesting we should look at birth to 15 and judge these kids, I'm suggesting we look at adults who make the very same claim of "it's not my fault." At best the statement in juvenile or childish. Perhaps as adults (18, 21 or whatever number you believe) this type of statement limits us completely.
If by habit (words) you can hide behind "It's not my fault" there are at least two things going on here. First, you are NOT being responsible. Second, if you look at this from the adult ONLY viewpoint, who is responsible for you, your life and your situations? Not me, not Uncle Willie, so it must be YOU (Your Own Understanding). If you can grasp the understanding, your own understanding, that what happen when you say "It's not my fault" is that first you are avoiding your own responsibility, as saying "it's not my fault" is simply a deflection of responsibility and there is a payoff for you, by the way a NON-monetary pay off usually.
A payoff is something you get from an avoidance behavior. So by saying "It's not my fault" what you are REALLY getting is the payoff old being completely irresponsible. If your room wasn't clean as a kid after a guest came over and you said "it's not my fault, my friend dirtied my room." You'd be accurate, but still irresponsible. And to worsen it, and enabling parent might say "Okay, Tommy I'll clean your room this time." You have been just been taught how to manipulate and "be" irresponsible. And it always comes back to "who you are being."
As a teenager, you asked to "get a job" but when asked by your parents you say "it's not my fault, nobody will hire me." and you are let to do that too, then your enablers have taught you that you don't have to work (or earn your keep) and that avoidance behavior has you learning nothing about work, or future work (what you like or dislike in terms of jobs) and the payoff is you don't need to work (again be responsible). You see it almost always comes back to not "being" responsible. Look at where these payoffs meet irresponsibility before you really suffer.
Then as a young adult, you don't a career path chosen, and choose not to go to college (or can't because your grades are suspect) and you find yourself in a crappy job (like 58% of the world's population) and claiming "It's not my fault I can't earn a decent living, no one ever helped me choose my career." Again, 100% irresponsible and now we are advancing into justifying too. But the bottom line is no good job or career path and you are limiting yourself on many fronts.
By ages 35 to 55, we find you coming into our coaching programs to get help to turn things around and we are blessed and honored to be able to do this work as it is a necessary service, and what we'll do is have you take a look at the very things you've been avoiding all along; you ability to be 100% accountable (fancy word for responsible as an adult). You see we can't ask children and adolesents to be "accountable" yet, only responsible. We say "Your BEING irresponsible", we don't say to a ten year old you are BEING unaccountable, they don't get that.
But you are an adult and you are reading this and you DO GET IT, you are BEING unaccountable, or lacking accountability and all of this stems from past programing sure, but continued bad choices. Choice, perhaps from old habits (which die hard) to be irresponsible rather than accountable. And BEING accountable is one thing and BEING 100% ACCOUNTABLE is another. It's the highest level of self truth available and many need a coaches, or coaches, to accomplish this. I assure you though, when you do, your life will be changed forever.
That to "Your life will not be the same" or "Your life will be changed forever" is now an overused buzzword. I'm saying when you do the work, you and only you (not blaming others that "It's not your fault") will benefit from the added responsibility you shift TOWARD your life rather than the deflection (Away From) your life, it will make you more successful (perhaps eventually) and to do that your accountability (what you say you will do) will need to increase as well and that;s where the coaching comes in. Your life coach ends up as your accountability partner, insuring you do all that you say you are going to do, helping you to win and succeed.
There are three life options: succeed, fail and something in the middle, mediocre perhaps. Which do you want? Duh, succeed. Okay, then "It's not my fault cannot exist in your vocabulary any longer. All the defeat est language has to go, starting with "no." Are you ready to take on your life (remember no is now gone) so it's yes or some wishy washy other answer (maybe, perhaps, sort of, etc.), And that will hold you right there, exactly where you are at, like taxes to the middle class (designed to oppress you, hold you back and keep you paying the highest percentage of taxes) against your will or not. They don't care, they like you right there: trapped. But you can stay there ("it's not my fault that there are taxes to the middle class - get out of the middle).
Hmm, like the credit card companies who are all too happy for you to pay your minimum balance while paying fees that are pure profit to them (they've no extra work to earn these fees - they've added no additional value to you) such as over the limit $35, on a $200 minimum payment on a big balance your interest could be $187 (and a whopping $13 comes off your balance - except the $35 over fee has you $22 under water, but you pay the minimum) and they love you for it! It's not my fault, I couldn't pay more (then charge less or not at all - these are your choices).
And for all choices there are consequences, good and bad. Good choices good consequences, bad choices bad consequences, so you must choose wisely. There are NO RICH VICTIMS! And victims NEVER say "It's not my fault" they say Crap that was totally my fault, I missed that, but here's how we can fix that. In other words they take on their responsibilities and their word (their integrity to themselves) is golden, so they are very highly accountable and what's their payoff? A real payoff, possible financial freedom, certainly they're at least on the path to it.
Your call now, It's not my fault" or you "TAKE ON YOUR LIFE" whichever you do there will be evidence, clues of your results good or bad, but evidence yet. Enough! Take you action NOW!
To Your Greater Success!
Thanx…Coach Steve
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About Coach Steve
Steven L. Keough or Coach Steve as he prefers is the Founder & CEO of his coaching company Straight Forward Coaching, an Internationally recognized coaching enterprise. Coach Steve operates four very busy companies: of course Straight Forward Coaching, CoachingProducts.org (North America), CoachingProductsInternational.org (Overseas Operations and Non-English Speaking Products), and finally Business Coach Alliance for the training of coaches to be better certified coaches. Yes, we actually train many of the coaches that most organizations will hire.
Steve is also a multiple book Author (5 at this time), Handbook Author (24 at this time), Home Learning Course Creator (4 at this time), Speaker, Trainer and Master Certified Coach himself, a product of the product, and most proud to be a Coaching Curriculum Developer, changing thousands, if not millions, of lives for the better with his materials. He has coaches people for nearly two decades and has amassed over 20,000 hours of coaching individuals and businesses!
Certified in 12 different coaching distinctions, Coach Steve’s books are best-sellers and his materials have been translated into multiple languages and are available in over 100 countries!